Death Calls But Does Not Conquer

I have no power over zombies, vampires, or ghosts. I only know how to ward off telemarketers.

My father bought two burial sites in two different states.

The first one is in a mausoleum in Michigan. This double-occupancy crypt holds his predeceased second wife.

The second one, in Florida, is in a mausoleum about 20 yards from his third wife. She occupies a space in the ground next to her first husband.

English: Woodlawn Cemetery Mausoleum in Detroi...

English: Woodlawn Cemetery Mausoleum in Detroit, Michigan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My father decided to spend eternity in the Florida location. He consistently chose the mausoleum theme because I think he feared the six-feet-under idea and the above ground burial suited him better. Farther away from the cold earth and worms I guess.

Anyway back to the telemarketers.

One day I answered the phone and was greeted by a salesman from a nearby cemetery. I listened to him, amused, what a thing to have to pitch over the phone.

After he rambled on for awhile, my memory was jogged and I nearly shouted, “I already own a plot in your cemetery!” So I told him the whole story about my father’s cemetery-buying spree, and how I came to inherit an unoccupied berth in his real estate.

He said, by law, I can only be buried with a relative. But she was my stepmother, not good enough?

Then I mentioned that my husband and I plan to be cremated. And those small boxes or urns can easily fit into this large casket-size space that I already own. That didn’t please him either.

Finally I told him that his efforts are fruitless. If my husband dies first, he has instructed me to throw his ashes behind the shed in our yard. Silence. He hung up. He didn’t wait to hear the plan for my ashes.

A couple of weeks later some friends told us about the frequent and annoying telemarketing calls they are getting from this same burial-plot selling cemetery.

I never got another call from a cemetery telemarketer again. They must have put me on the Do-Not-Call-Because-They’re-Crazy list. If it works, it works.

By the way, anyone need a slab in a Michigan mausoleum? It’s right next to a nice enough (in life) dead lady. I can let it go cheap. Act fast and I can offer you a Halloween discount.

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